erin

Had my year plus follow up with the hip surgeon, still not "there" yet, new
PT orders to increase from my current every 2 wks to weekly for 6 wks and do some intensive ASYM to break up scar tissue preventing external rotation, as well as focusing on capsular movement. Deep sigh. Seems like every follow up is essentially the same, and every time I hear how my progress is totally normal...and yet I am far past the pre-op recovery time table.

First round of that new PT today was...extremely painful. Dosed up on tylenol ahead of time (surgeon said don't take ibuprofen as the blood thinning effect can lead to increased bruising) and was still writhing around most of the time. Then during some of the passive movement something...ripped. Intensive, burning, stabbing pain...PT says that was scar tissue breaking up. It was agonizing. Barely managed to get through normal exercises at half weight after that so focused instead on stretching and range of motion. Came home and gave in- took a pain pill. Then iced. Then ate dinner. Then iced more. Now another pain pill and more ice. Sitting is unpleasant. Can't touch the area as it's super hot and sore and swollen to the touch. Not loving this. Fingers crossed next week it'll be easier.

From last week: My lovely and barely noticeable portal sites from the hip surgery


And the lingering umbilical scar from the liver surgery

while the East Coast is snowed in, it's sunny and warm in PDX. The cherry blossoms are blooming, my front yard is full of daffodils, even the rose bushes that I never got around to cutting back in January are putting out fresh leaves and shoots. Every bright sunny day wrings my heart just a little bit. I feel like I'm failing at life by not seizing the pretty days and doing something more exciting and life-affirming than running errands. The cold rainy days are more comforting, i don't have to keep any guilt about just getting by and making do. I can stay in and listen to podcasts or an audio book while decorating eggs and cleaning and baking and it feels like an accomplishment instead of a failure. Plus no headache from all that blazing sunlight. I moved to the PWN for a reason, and this bright sunny weather is NOT in line with my expectations of overcast gloominess.

IoN, had my 6 month followup with the hip surgeon. Had been hoping it would be the final appt with her but no go, scheduled another one for 3 months out. She's happy with my range of motion and flexibility and reassured me that the psoas spams are totally normal, especially since I spent over a year in pain before getting it treated and the longer the delay in treatment, the longer recovery time. Or at least that's conventional wisdom on the subject. Also, one of the sad facts of getting older is that everything just takes longer to recover and adjust.

I have definitely been noticing that sitting super upright perched on the edge of my seat as has always been normal for me is one of the least comfortable options for me now. But I CAN sit in my saddle-type special work chair again which is FANTASTIC! I had to jump through many hoops and make several special trips on days off to get that chair and was thoroughly peeved that I couldn't sit in it for months because it just hurt too darned much. But now...back in the saddle, as they say. Yay for the little things. Still trying to keep focusing on the positive things. I have a good job that I enjoy and appreciate that keeps me feeling useful and productive and also lets me take sick days when I just...can't. I have everything I need and most of the things I want. And for the most part I really do have my health. can walk and talk and feel and see and hear and sure some parts hurt and sleep is a struggle but that's so minor in comparison to all the things that could be wrong with my body.

Last week's big news was finally getting back on my bike. Only for an easy 4 mile, totally flat, round trip to the grocery store and home. We've been having this insanely unseasonable warm spring weather the last couple weeks--sunny blue skies and cherry blossoms blooming while the east coast is buried under feet of snow--and I've been meaning to take a spin on the ole 2 wheels for weeks. It didn't hurt at all! Well, aside from the saddle soreness a couple days afterwards (sometimes I worry that there's something wrong with my entire pelvis because every bike saddle i've ever gotten on has always left me super sore for days afterwards. As long as I keep riding at least once a week the tenderness goes away after a few weeks and I toughen up enough that it stops hurting. I've been professionally fitted and had my sitz bones measured and all that...and the joy of pedaling instead of driving or walking outweighs the inevitable discomfort in my lady-bits...but it does annoy me to see so many people pedaling around all willy-nilly without padded underpants and feel like i'm missing out on something.)

Back to the point: cycling didn't bother my hip. I did discover VERY quickly that I can no longer mount and dismount from the left. The one time I tried to swing my right left over to dismount was sharp and stabbiy and not something I ever plan on experiencing again. So I practiced getting on and off from the right side instead and while awkward, it works. Still hoping that is a temporary prpblem and that in another month or so I can hop on a bike from whichever side is most convenient. In the meantime, it's nice to be able to make a trip to the grocery store without burning fossil fuels.

Swimming is back to pre-op speed and stamina. Last week swam a full mile plus 2 100's of sprinting. Today swam 50 laps (well over a mile) then an hour of water aerobics. did get a little overzealous and pretty achey in the hip joint now. Glass of wine with dinner starting to wear off and considering whether or not a muscle relaxer is in order this evening.

Where were we....
Mid december? Progressing back to full time work? That happened. My first scheduled tradeback (aside from the two I had to cancel in November since I was nowhere near full shifts then) was December 17th. I was cleared for full return to duties effective December 17th. It was close, and more than a little stressful for me. And that commenced a brutal few weeks until January 1st where I found myself working through 2/3rd of my weekend time off. 6 days a week, 10 hour shifts...a bit like being back in theatre but with the ability to take sick days. I took a couple sick days. Wouldn't have made it through otherwise. I put my head down and just kept focusing on making it thought each day, making it through the year, and not falling flat on my face from exhaustion. I went to work, I ate food, I slept, and that was pretty much it.

So let us speak no more of December, 2014. Feh. Moving on.

2015 has happened. I made it. Had a real full weekend last week (yay!) with only one day of PT (yay!) plus acupuncture, chiro, and massage. Also got in a very satisfying swim. Swam a full mile at pre-surgery time with flip turns. After lap 36 the stretching out of my legs in flutterkick and really *using* my back and shoulder muscles felt so darned good that I kept going for another 10 laps. Then grabbed some water flotation ankle cuffs and got in some great leg exercises. Damn it felt good to have a full, pre-surgery level workout. Not there on land yet, but in the water I'm back to moving like a greased eel. Well, maybe more like a greased seal, since I'm still up about 15 lbs and spilling out of my swimsuit :/

Had to schedule my next post-surgery follow up next Thursday due to mandatory inservice training for work. Boooooooo. (Also means that i'll lose one day of my weekend in order to be at work for 8 hrs of overtime. While I welcome stocking up on comp time, I'd much rather have the day off right now.) So this coming weekend is only partially relaxing and restorative for me. Then next one is full weekend (yay!) and after that I have four trade paybacks in a row, but each week is only one shift on a Wed or Thurs so I always have Tuesday, the first day of my weekend, off. Plus either Wed or Thurs but not both. I can do that and prosper. But I have learned no more 2-shift weekends again! I still NEED time off to recuperate.

Speaking of recuperating, part of my approach during this extended recovery is trying to improve my overall quality of life with more coping strategies, particularly in addressing long-term stress issues. I love my job, it's useful and helpful and helps me feel like i'm contributing to society in a positive way. But of course it's stressful and my single effective coping mechanism to stress has always been exercise. Lately i just am not able to jump on a treadmill after work for 30 minutes and sweat it out. And honestly, that's never going to be an option after every stressful event in my life. So, yeah, I should have some other strategies in my "toolbox." So I went to a shrink who specializes in relaxation and sleep disorders. Invested in some guided relaxation tracks which I'm supposed to be listening to every day which feels like a time suck but it easy and pleasant because all I have to do is chill on my back and listen to someone else talk and try to focus on the track and not on all the many, many other thoughts racing through my head. Four days in and so far I have consistently failed entirely at focused listening for the full 20 minute track even once. My brain is just too full. This is part of the problem.

The less pleasant part of sleep doc's protocol is a week of deliberate sleep deprivation. He says that since I am a "long sleeper" (average 9-11 hours in bed per night in normal health) with frequent disturbances (tossing and turning every 15-20 minutes) that prevent that long stretch from being restorative...he wants me to limit myself to 9 hrs in bed for a full week. He thinks that will break my unconscious connection between sleep and pain-related restlessness and help re-train my brain and body to be so even-more-exhausted that the disturbances will stop. Made a lot more sense when he explained it. I make it sound like a masochistic exercise in sleep deprivation. Which is totally how it feels. Five days later and so far I am disturbed even more in my sleep, waking up after a few hours so nauseated that the pain in my stomach is unbearable. Now, it is (unhelpfully) normal for me to experience nausea when I get too tired. But I've never had nausea so bad it woke me up with stomach pain. Muscle spams in my psoas and hip flexor seems to intensify that nausea. Last night it was so bad that I got out of bed and went wandering around the house in the 4am dark trying to figure out something, anything, I could do to relax and hurt less without turning on lights (lest I be unable to get back to sleep.) Tonight i'm giving up and taking a muscle relaxer and might just stay in bed longer than allowed. Today I feel like my skin can't contain my body and it's not a pleasant feeling.

Hit another landmark in recovery yesterday in the pool: flipturns. Only 5 because that dratted umbilical scar started acting up enough to make me go back to an awkward "push off the wall as though it's gonna be a length of backstroke then twist back to freestyle after a couple of strokes" at each wall, but 5 flipturns is better than I've done since August. Did swim a full mile in the pool yesterday and a significant amount of pseudo-water aerobics (range of motion and resistance exercises without the hassle of balancing on one leg in full gravity). I thought hitting the pool at 3pm would be grand, avoiding swim lessons, swim team, and rush hour lap swimmers. I did avoid swim team but still had to navigate one lane taken up by swim lessons and little jerks who started dangling their legs into my lane 10 minutes before the lesson start time. I of course assumed their lesson was starting and moved into another lane with an old man who couldn't stick to his side of the lane and kept drifting over. We only cracked skulls once, then I started having to keep an eye out for him to avoid collisions. Ten minutes later the lesson actually started and I cursed those little jerks for forcing me out of my own lap lane for 10 unnecessary laps.

Other than that, up to 8 hour work days this week. Fingers crossed. I volunteered to stay for 8 hrs (up from 6) on monday night since that was my friday and I knew i'd have 3 days off after...and there were no lunch slots open during my 6 hours but I could get last lunch on an 8 hr shift so i was only actually there for 7.25 hrs which is barely more than 6. Did get ridiculously tired and ended up sobbing uncontrollably on the way home due to a very routine medical call. A lady called 911 saying that she thought she was having a heart attack, so i pulled up a medical call mask and started with the first and most important question: where are you. She knew that she was at work at a processing center but didn't know the address. I could tell from the gps info on her cell phone about where she was (within a mile, for sure) and that it was a dense industrial park with lots of poorly marked large warehouses. And it was well past normal business hours so i knew that it would likely be locked up and we'd need someone to let the responders in. So I kept pressing her for location information: nearest cross streets, exact name of the business, is there anyone else there with you who can tell me the address. She was panicked and hyperventilating and my experience has been that forcing someone in that state to answer straightforward concrete questions has a calming influence which is good for everyone. Didn't work, she dropped the phone and i could no longer hear her breathing. This was less than 15 seconds into the call, so i set up a medical call "approximate location per gps" with the very few things she told me and went to Senior Google to try and get a real address for the business while attempting several callback to her cell phone. No answer, no luck. Thankfully right around when the ambulance was driving into the office park one of her coworkers called in from a landline (aka providing the actual address) which was on the same block and responders got to the patient with no delay. I did everything right, set up the call quickly with incomplete information, and responders were with the patient very quickly. That was not a traumatizing call. But as I was driving home the thought hit me that my voice could have been the last thing that woman ever heard, and I never said anything comforting or reassuring. I never told her that help was on the way...because it wasn't true until after she lost consciousness (and I'm not in the business of lying to people.) Then I felt AWFUL that the last thing she may have ever heard was not comforting or pleasant and as a human being I want every person to die with as much comfort as possible. Then I lost it. Pulled over, sobbed, finished my short drive home, sobbed some more, drank chamomile tea in a hot bath and went to bed.

See it wasn't the situation that was upsetting, it was that I was too darned tired to handle it properly. When I get tired I cry easily, I get frustrated easily, I poop out easily. So apparently Monday was just a little too much for me. It is a progression, of course, so hopefully having three days off to myself (and pt/swimming/seeing friends/decorating eggs) was enough to recharge and get me through this next week. And the one after that, and the one after that. And that's kinda how life is, right? Getting through each day, each week, each month.

As of yesterday, I can now drive with just my right foot again! Before surgery I started driving my automatic with both feet- right for the gas and left for the brake, because moving my right foot back and forth hurt too dang much. Just handling the gas pedal with the right foot also hurt quite significantly but relieving some of the pressure helps. Post surgery driving still hurts, though in a slightly different way. So since surgery I've been driving with both feet. Just yesterday the pain subsided to a low enough level of discomfort that I tried braking with my right foot, and it wasn't terrible. Don't get me wrong, I'd still rather walk two miles in the pouring rain than drive it, but the rotational movement of going back and forth btwn pedals doesn't increase the pain anymore. I'm calling that a step in right direction. Progress. A nice little ray of hope.

guess what this gal got in the mail from seanan_mcguire?

*bounce*

*joy*

First I get Symbiont on my nook. Now this eagerly awaited most perfect swag. (Wait, is it swag if it was part of a give away? Or is it most perfect gift? Either way, i'm pretty jubilant.)

I have so much wonderful (re)reading in my future.

By which I'm really starting to feel like I'll never be back to "normal" again. I know that I will. Only a few more months...but I'm still so tired all the time. It does help to look back at my journal entries a few months ago and put that into perspective. I'm now sleeping about 11 hours a night and zero naps...so that's already way better than when I was only awake for 6-8 hrs/day! But today I wanted to bake. I wanted to make some cookies, even went so far as to pull up the recipe on my tablet, preheat the oven, and empty a couple of eggs...then I gave up. Just. Gave up. Things accomplished today: walked to dentist in the pouring rain. Survived dental cleaning with no nasty surprises (the usual sensitive teeth, receeding gumlines, and deep pockets but no cavities or additional appointments to make) which was delightful. A closed-ended medical appointment. When's the last time I've had one of those? Every other medical appointment I go to concludes with scheduling the next one next week. This one? Just agreed to let them call me in 6 months to schedule a cleaning then. That's a whole half year away. I kinda love the dentist today, just because it's such a rate thing to have to attend to. Then I walked hope, soaked my super cold wet feet in hot water, and sat down to my eggs. I do love being able to sit down and work on them. Today I did some finishing touches on a huge ostrich pysanka (pretty sure anyone reading this already knows me on facebook. If you don't, check out Hanky Pysanky on facebook for the photos. It's a thing of majesty and beauty) and finished a first run at a custom order that will be 3 New Orleans Saints-themed ornaments. Custom orders are great, guaranteed income. Even more amazing? A lady ordered TWO SETS of three dragon eggs. That's 6 dragon eggs total. I almost fainted when I saw first the order for one full set and then a convo message for a second...and then I almost threw up because each one of those dragon eggs takes SO LONG to make and I knew I couldn't possibly finished them by christmas and i assume any orders this time of year are mean to be christmas gifts. Thankfully she responded to my response later than day and doesn't need them until APRIL so I did a happy dance (well, a seated, non-hip-endangering happy dance) because that's $600of bonus income and I have months to make it happen. Back to the thought that started all this...I worked on a couple of eggs for a couple of hours. That and a trip to the dentist= the entirety of my energy expenditure today and now i'm fighting to stay awake long enough to type and watch tv and maybe get back to that custom golden fluer de lis because it sure would be nice to send the buyer a photo before going back to work tomorrow, because there will be no egging during the work week :(

Speaking of work, it's going well. Two weeks of 4 day 4 hr shifts went really well. I continued to be really really tired by the end of the day, but mentally tired, not so physically tired last week. At least I was able to spend a full hour (sometimes more) in the wee work gym after each shift on the recumbent bike, elliptical, stretching, and light weights. Pretty wonderful to have the short shifts and extra time to work out after each shift before going home, it's the best stress relief for me and really helps to unwind the stresses and annoyances of the job.

Sadly, going up to 15 min/day on the elliptical did NOT go well and sat night I started experiencing really unpleasant pinching in the groin area every night...dangerously close to my pre-surgery symptoms. That freaked me out mightily so I stayed off the elliptical sunday and monday but still had the pinching...but only at night when lying in bed and trying to fall asleep. Wasn't bothering me during the day, so it's clearly not that bad. Did discuss it with PT on tuesday who did some compression and rotation tests on that hip and pronounced it not a labral issue but my psoas. Oh psoas, you so annoying. But major relief on my part: muscle pain I can deal with. Return of joint pain would be terrifying. No pinching since PT followed by massage on Tuesday for for that I am profoundly relieved. Didn't even have to resort to muscle relaxers this week, just tylenol day and night and nightly hot epsom salt baths and hourly stretching. Plus the exercises, oh so many exercises. I really need to start carrying around a notebook and writing down all the squats and lunges and other exercises I do every day just for documentation purposed. Especially noting how much time I spend doing these PT-appointed movements every day. I know I do at least an hour daily but suspect if i started logging all the time during the day other than the "it's time to do exercises now!" chunk in front of the tv that it would be pretty substantial.

Home projects are suffering due to my excessive lack of spoons. I still want those new windows...but this Clean Energy Works program is no longer seeming so perfect. It's ideal because they have a system for financing the costs into a mini loan that you pay off every month as part of gas bill so it's not thousands of dollars up front. But they are taking FOREVER and I really don't like the contractor doing the windows. Then my amazing father transferred me couple thousand to help with the new windows and with that extra chunk of money it seems more feasible to find my own contractor who I like and trust and be able to pay them without fancy financing options. Maybe I'll wait till spring when I feel like I have the oomph to make those phone calls and emails and meet with those contractors and compare those bids...and when I write it out it really doesn't sound like nearly as onerous a task as it feels. And it sure does feel onerous. But 2nd major financial onerous task that I fully planned on completing during my convalescence (hah! Completing tasks during convalescence! I was so optimistic) was to refinance the house in order to stop paying mortgage insurance. It has been pointed out to me that part of a refi is getting the house assessed. And best to do all major upgrades *before* that. SO need to complete new windows before refinancing house. Meanwhile flushing $70/month down the toilet monthly in mortgage insurance no longer necessary now that I have some equity built up.

Wow, that last paragraph makes me sound like such an adult. Better go play in the bathtub for a bit ;)

Yesterday was an energy disaster. Barely hauled myself to PT and the grocery store then home, did some egg decorating, had a nice long hot bath and stretched. Somehow all of that took 12 hours.

Actually had two (2!) options of social-ness today. I opted for the one that did not involve driving or preparing any elaborate foodstuffs so I braved Trader Joe's yesterday for wine and crackers and then walked up the block with those and a jar of last year's amaretto cranberry relish for a few pleasant low key hours of massive quantities of food and wine. And not having to drive, I sure did enjoy some wine. Three different kinds, even (tho only very small pours of each). Liver does indeed seem to be working properly which is nice, since I still find cabernet and pinot noir to be delicious.

Came home and worked a little more on the ostrich egg shell as well as giving the kitties their long needed bath.

Now on the sofa with a clean albeit slightly damp purring cat watching "Pangs" as is right and proper on Thanksgiving.

I can say today that I survived my first week back to work after two surgeries! Had a follow up appointment with the hip surgeon on Thursday and she approved me to go back to work on limited hours: 4 hour shifts 4 days a week (my normal work week is 4 days, so that's not a limitation but it does prevent me from working overtime or being forced in on my days off) for two weeks, then increasing hours as tolerated, recommended 6 hr shifts for a week, then 8 hour shifts, then up to full shifts by...almost next year.

First day back was Friday which was exhilerating and also a little terrifying. It was wonderful to see many of my wonderful coworkers and I was blown away by how many people were genuinely happy to have me around again. Brings a couple tears to my eyes still, possibly because i'm still exhausted more often than not, but sure is nice to feel missed and appreciated. Those first 4 hours flew by pretty quick; had to get all my passwords reset, catch up on all the SOP and rollcall items, slog through the few relevant emails that I didn't delete from home, review new medical triage cards, figure out how to maneuver through the new CAD call-entry screen (now with less back tabbing!), then finished off with some CDE's to delay actually having to dive in and really take calls. Can't pretend that I wasn't terrified to take calls again after 3 months away from that computer system but I lucked out with some butt dials, a couple alarm calls, and relatively simple "real" calls. Also deliberately sat next to a coach so I could turn to her like a phase 3 trainee when I forgot which symbol to use in a common command line query. Didn't kill anyone or mess anything up terrible! Went home exhausted like those first few weeks after surgery, made some food and collapsed in a hot bath then went to bed nice and early. Seriously, at 7pm i could have sworn it was after midnight I was so ready to get reacquainted with my pillow.

Saturday, Sunday and Monday were a little easier. Some of the muscle memory came back to my fingers on Saturday and by Monday I only had one standard procedural "is this still how we do this?" question. Good thing everyone sitting around me was understanding! Also got into a nice physical rhythm of coming in early for 15-20 min on the recumbent bike, and staying after for up to an hour to get in my max allowed time on the elliptical (10 minutes this week, 15 next week, and so on) followed by some more time on the recumbent bike and then some stretching and weights or resistance work if I caught something interesting on the cable tv in the workout room at work. Easier to up my exercise time when it doesn't require a special trip to the gym or PT. Was consistently EXHAUSTED by the end of the day but exercising was somehow easy to power through because it doesn't require any thought and my brain's been feeling burnt out by work, even just 3 hrs and 45 minutes a day (15 minute break in there for some extra bike time.)

I have more thoughts but having trouble keeping my eyes open. No more brain, must sleep.